In acquainting myself with the concept of mimetic desire and how external and internal models of desire influence our way of living, our interpretation of success, and what to strive for; I understood that in our lives, we cannot deny that we often get inspired by other people. Perhaps you liked your peer’s hair color, so you wanted to dye your hair the same. Your sister pursuing a particular college degree might spark the desire for you to follow suit. Or maybe your favorite celebrity purchased a new car, and now you're contemplating spending your next three years' salary on a similar model, just because. Regardless of the reason or whoever it may be, the impact of others’ behavior, decisions, features, body, even the life they were born into, and a plethora of worldly extrinsic noise is most likely going to sway us and drive us to the darkest places when we don’t pay much attention and intention. It is mostly evident these days, in the social media age, where everyone from around the world can connect, no matter who you are, and unwittingly become rivals or benchmarks for one another.
► Lush Life ─ Billy Strayhorn
It is not uncommon to hear that we, as humans, seldom find satisfaction and are always up for the next big thing. Some of us, if not most, only come to realize this until we hit rock bottom.
Over the past few years, I’ve been on a continuous journey of self-discovery and learning about the world along the way. I realized how freeing it is to make my own authentic decisions and pursue things that genuinely resonate with me, things that add value to my life. Many of these pursuits become challenging when surrounded by others who inevitably have opinions about your choices, and in an environment where you constantly feel the need to fit in. Whether they are good friends or a supportive family or community; one way or another, you will take in what they have to say or you will consider what they are going to think, to say the least. And so, to live by knowing what your core values are and aligning everything you do with those values can spare you countless unnecessary pressures and literal costs.
Be open to constructive criticism, reflect, and refine what is needed, but the key is balance. If you’re confident about what you want, why the need to ask others about it? If uncertain, seek external advice to gain perspective, but only if necessary. Be discerning, as not everyone necessarily has your best interest at heart.
External model desires refer to the influence and inspiration drawn from individuals or entities outside of your immediate circle; celebrities and influencers with unattainable lifestyles, the idyllic romantic lives of fictional characters, and standards down to micro trends netizens revere. Being a consumer and part of the audience, there will be an urge to emulate or desire what these external models have. However, it's crucial to pause and reflect on the value, long-term significance, and personal happiness associated with these desires, will this just be another excuse to escape the unresolved deep-rooted issues that need to be addressed?
I, too, have fallen victim to this influence. As a young and malleable individual, I got fixated on unattainable and unrealistic things. My ambition then was merely to embody affluence, independence, urban living, and influence. I have been into fashion and the superficial aesthetic rabbit hole; it had its fun, but it didn't contribute to the person I would be proud to present to the world or for myself in front of the mirror. To some, perhaps that is their path, but it wasn’t for me. Not only when I faced such a hard time in my life did I discover what truly matters, that no matter how conventionally pleasing to our senses these things we possess are, they cannot touch the heart and soul.
It's not that these aspirations are inherently bad, but they weren't authentic to me. I consider myself an old soul with a childlike heart, appreciating nature, art, humanities, and all things gracious. These superficial pursuits, I realized, were far from what I truly wish for or find desirable at this point– after learning the conformist side of this world. I sure do love some luxuries, but only those intentional and intrinsic to what I value. In fact, I have an ultimate craving for the pursuit of intellectual and artistic pleasure yet I do not wish to be pretentious in any way and most certainly not putting up a façade to fit in just for people to see me as worthy of love, respect, and attention. Attention is by far the least thing I would want to have for me or my work; I’ve replaced it with appreciation. Appreciation by myself and by kindred souls who see the light that I try to emit. As a matter of course, sadly, what people think of us becomes a measure of how we view ourselves. Consequently, as our lives and time are drained, we get addicted to validation, are exposed to the poison of today's culture, and other people's activities become one’s enjoyment. Acceptance of myself and the few people who love me for me and share my vision is what truly matters.
Speaking of the people around us, let’s transition to the so-called internal model desire or the people that are within our orbit: friends, acquaintances, family, and mutual connections. The people we consider at our level.
There’s not much difference in how these people affect us than those outside of our sphere, but if anything, this internal model of desire influences us way harder and deeper because there is a sense of intimacy and belonging. When we call things, especially people, as our friends, our family, my house, my books, we subconsciously put them in our little possession box. Thinking in a way that we own them. This is sad because no matter how close we become to other beings, we will always be our different selves. No one can own anyone if you think of it. That said, when we believe we own something, we have the tendency to control it, and when we can’t control it, we get frustrated. It is inherent in us to feel some kind of competitiveness; we are humans, and we used to live by fighting and killing for our survival, and this is still evident in the world today. No wonder there are still wars, the utmost realization of the dark ambition mixed with power.
Now feeling that we can control them, we assume that we technically have power over them, that can be true but mostly, it is not.
Adding to that is the fact that they are close by, and much easier to compare to; we presume being in the same environment promises us the same fate just because we have the same resources and tools. When we observe that some outperform, it feels unfair. Why? Because we assume that we should think and feel similarly, therefore, accomplish the same. But that is the thing; we are not the same; we are uniquely our own. Sure, we can agree on some matters, but truly, we view the world through distinct lenses, different ways to do things, leading to different conclusions. When two people are given a knife, it’s either they do the same things with it or completely different from the other. One may have done a beautifully carved fruit, and the other simply sliced it into pieces.
The issue with these models is that we tend to use them as one-to-one references, inspiring us to want to do the same, be the same, or compete with them. With our models, we become copiers and replicators. But we should strive to utilize these sources as a reference to inspire us and improve, to be more cognizant of what it is that stimulates us rather than simply trying to copy it. Give it a twist, make it yours. If you’re true to yourself, it will stick. I suppose there’s no harm in buying into things recommended by someone if you find it truly of value. That’s the beauty of having human connection, sharing, just like what I am doing here, sharing my thoughts. I do not ask you to believe what I say; instead, I encourage you to take everything with a grain of salt.
The truth is, no amount of money, fame, or material possessions can bring eternal satisfaction. Only within us, when we find contentment in what we have, rejoice in it and appreciate what we can offer, have a meaningful connection with the few good people that we value as well as to the world we are living in, we will attain peace of mind.
“It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
At the end of the day, I advocate for mindfulness in choosing who enters our lives and, most importantly, who we look up to and allow to influence us. Be selective in choosing your 'models,' aligning yourself with those who guide you toward genuine fulfillment, avoiding those who push you toward superficiality, phony connections, and the fleeting highs it offers.
May you be blessed so that you can be a blessing to others.
Whispered regards,
Sylphantom